Of Life & Hawkes
by KatjaLaRoux
Summary: Hawke and her companions have fled Kirkwall. After three days, she still hasn't said a word to any of them. / For a long moment, neither spoke. But Bethany broke the silence again. "Why did you spare him?" (Oneshot. femHawke/Fenris.)


**_A/N: _**Takes place after the Kirkwall Rebellion (post-game). Rogue Hawke, romanced Fenris—the same Hawke and Fenris as "Of Tea & Home," etc. Each oneshot can stand alone, but if you want to read them in order they go: T&H, F&J, M&R, L&H. For SinsofMidnight's Writing Challenge: Prompt 41 "Deathfic." But I cheated. After considering how much death there is in the game to begin with and realizing it would be difficult to write about a specific death while dealing with a recent loss myself, I decided to twist the prompt and instead write about saving a life. And it is technically femHawke/Fenris…but Fenris ended up in the background.

* * *

The thick, low clouds had drained all of the blue from the sea, leaving a washed out grey, just a shade darker that the clouds themselves. And Hawke had been staring at the horizon for so long the edges of the ocean seemed to blur into the sky. She let the noises of the ship slip into the fog around her, reaching instead for the solidity of the silence she had been hiding in for days.

She felt Bethany approach, her sister's comforting presence somehow preceding the familiar footfalls.

Bethany leaned against the railing next to Hawke. Her sister was the only one willing to approach her, and even she sounded afraid to do so.

"Sister…are you okay?"

Hawke hesitated before responding, debating her answers. But she couldn't lie to Bethany. Not now.

"I'm not sure," she said finally. "But I think I will be."

For a long moment, neither spoke. But Bethany broke the silence again.

"Why did you spare him?"

Hawke closed her eyes. She had been expecting that question. In truth, she was surprised they had been at sea for nearly three full days before anyone had the guts to ask that particular question.

She opened her eyes again when she felt the light touch of her sister's hand on her arm.

"It's curiosity only, Sister. I am not judging your decision. And I will not repeat what you tell me."

Hawke sighed and turned her head. She was unsurprised at the furrow between her little sister's eyebrows. She missed Bethany's smile. And that thought broke her heart just a little bit more. She wasn't sure how much was even left.

She looked back to the horizon before she spoke.

"Did you know I killed a Templar when I was 17? Back in Lothering. I had been hunting, and he was so near the house. I shot an arrow through his neck."

"I didn't know that." If Bethany was surprised at the confession, her voice didn't show it.

"Sebastian asked me once, years ago, if there was anything I held sacred." Hawke shook her head at the memory. "He was teasing. And I just laughed with him and didn't answer. But Sebastian never understood me. Family has always been sacred to me. And Anders…Anders is like family. I don't know how I feel about what's he and Justice have done, but I couldn't be responsible for another death. Not like that. I've caused so many already. Carver's. Yours. Mother's. So many whose names I don't even know."

Hawke looked down at her hands. Even though there was no visible evidence of the blood on them, she could feel it there.

"I'm not dead," Bethany said, tightening her grip on Hawke's arm.

"You might as well be," Hawke said, her throat tightening around the words. "Being a Warden is practically a death sentence. And following me now…you shouldn't be here, Beth. I'm…I'm going to get you killed."

Hawke started when Bethany let out a laugh.

"Loghain Mac Tir said something similar to me once."

Hawke blinked at her sister, like she was seeing her for the first time. Bethany just smiled and casually leaned a hip against the railing.

"I was in the party sent to Orlais to…'fetch' him, as Commander Caron said. It's a long story, some of which is classified, but what's important is that only one of us could actually get to where he was. I was chosen. And Loghain spent a good fifteen minutes trying to convince me he wasn't worth saving and that all I was doing was asking for an early death. The stubborn man dug his heels in and refused to come with me."

Hawke was enthralled with the idea of her baby sister rescuing the once-great Hero of River Dane. "What did you do?" She asked.

"I told him if he was so concerned with keeping me alive, he'd better be ready to fight alongside me," Bethany grinned. "Then I shot a little fireball at his feet and walked away."

"You _didn't_."

"I did. And he was behind me not ten seconds later," Bethany laughed. "And as soon as we were outside of the fortress and away from the Chevaliers, I told him the same thing Father always told me. The only direction worth looking is forward. And if I caught him wasting time feeling sorry for himself instead of doing what he was meant to do, I would aim my next fireball a little higher."

Hawke's own laugh joined her sister's, the sound of the two together melted into the fog around them, taking a fraction of the pressure in Hawke's chest with it. She had to wipe a tear from her eye as she caught her breath.

"I can't believe you, Bethany Hawke. When did you start threatening war heroes?"

Bethany shrugged. "When I realized how right Father was."

"Oh." Hawke's face fell, her eyes shifting to the deck between her and her sister.

"We _are_ family, dear sister," Bethany said. "I understand your choice to spare Anders's life. And I expect you to fight at my side just as fiercely as I intend to fight at yours."

Hawke met her sister's eyes once more. Bethany's were no longer dulled by concern. They were sharper, brighter, sparking with determination as if she were daring her sister to argue.

"The only direction worth looking is forward," she repeated.

Even though it was Bethany who said it, Hawke heard her father's voice in the words.

And she heard Isabela's voice echoing behind them. _Our mistakes make us who we are_.

Hawke nodded slowly.

"Look forward," she said. And Bethany's lips spread into a smile.

Hawke turned back toward the horizon. And Bethany reached a hand out and laced their fingers together, just like they used to do when they were children and walking into town without Mother. Hawke felt an old ache at the emptiness where Carver should be, holding tightly to her other hand.

"All of the lives Anders destroyed," Hawke said quietly. "In some strange way, I understand his—well, Justice's—logic. I can't help but think of all of the lives he believes he is saving, all of the pain he believes he's preventing. It doesn't make what he did right, but…I just don't think _Anders_ would have done the same thing. " She let out a small laugh and shook her head. "I was standing there, in the courtyard with that knife in my hand, and I could almost see Mother standing there with me, shaking her head and saying, 'You can't save everyone.' I couldn't kill him. But I don't know if I can save him either."

"We…have an idea, if you're…interested."

"Oh?" Hawke cast a sidelong glance at her sister, confused by her hesitancy.

"There is a mage, a Warden, who has done extensive research on magic and the Fade. He knows things most of us can't even begin to fathom. But his research is…unconventional."

"Unconventional?" Hawke repeated, frowning.

And Bethany sighed. "I'll be honest with you. Avernus has done some unthinkable things, and he uses magics that we were raised to believe to be the worst kind."

"Blood magic?"

Bethany nodded. "But I've never met anyone who knows the things he knows. Things Anders never learned in the Circle, things the Chantry would sacrifice hundreds to keep secret . If anyone could help Anders and Justice, I think Avernus could."

As Hawke considered the idea of blood magic, she felt the weight of Bethany's hand in hers. An anchor, holding her in place as her thoughts drifted back to the prison under the Vimmarks, to the battle with Corypheus, and to her father's choices. But this was not the same situation. He had been forced to use blood magic. And Bethany had always, _always_, followed their Father's direction on the right way to use magic. But now Bethany, whose hand was warm and solid in hers, was suggesting blood magic.

"I'm not sure Anders would agree to working with a blood mage," Hawke said finally.

"Anders is…willing."

"Willing?" Hawke blinked at her sister. "You've already talked with him?"

"I did." Bethany nodded. "Isabela, Fenris, Anders, and I had a little chat."

"You…Isabela and…Fenris? Had a chat?" Hawke couldn't even wrap her brain around the idea of the most unlikely group to cooperate without her insistence and the most unlikely people to agree to anything with blood magic all getting together and approving plan like _this_.

"Fenris wouldn't let me speak with Anders alone," Bethany explained. "And since we couldn't…approach you just yet, I thought his input would be valuable in the meantime. And Isabela…well, it's her ship. So, yes, we had a chat."

"You've already decided then? We're taking Anders to Ferelden? To the Wardens?" Hawke frowned and started to pull her hand from Bethany's. But Bethany wouldn't let her pull away, holding her hand tight.

"No," she said quickly. "All we decided was that it was a feasible plan. But we all agreed it was your decision."

"I can't believe Anders would agree to this." Hawke shook her head. "I can't believe _Fenris_ would agree to this."

And Bethany smiled. "Fenris is quite different than I remember him from the elf we met in Lowtown all those years ago. He trusts you. He said he will go wherever you go, even if that means into, um," Bethany cleared her throat and dropped her voice into a low, gravelly imitation of Fenris, "'the den of a blood mage.'"

Hawke snorted a laugh. It sounded just like Fenris.

"And Anders? He despises blood magic."

"Well," Bethany said, "Fenris reminded him that he owed you his life. And he may have also threated to rip Anders's heart out if he betrayed you again."

And that sounded just like Fenris, too.

Hawke shook her head slightly, pushing aside thoughts of "I don't deserve him" and "I'm going to get them all killed," and focused instead on the plan.

"Is Ferelden safe? I mean, will we even be able to get to this Avernus without getting caught? I'm pretty sure all of Thedas is looking for us."

Bethany smile turned into a sly grin. "Loghain Mac Tir is Fereldan, through and through. And loyal to a fault."

Hawke arched an eyebrow at her sister. "And what is that supposed to mean?"

"That means that he and a few other trusted friends will be meeting us on the coast, and he will fight with all he has to bring a fellow Fereldan hero home safely." She shrugged nonchalantly, and added, "Plus, the old man owes me a favor. And he owes King Alistair a lifetime of favors."

Hawke's eyes went wide. "King Alistair? How did…who _are_ you?"

Bethany just laughed. "I'm the sister of the Champion of Kirkwall, who apparently made an impression on our dear Alistair. And I'm Grey Warden Bethany, who learned quickly that royal titles and pockmarked pasts matter little when battling darkspawn."

Hawke blinked, again amazed that the woman in front of her was her sweet Bethany. Then she smiled at her little sister with pride, deciding she was more than happy to let a different Hawke take the lead this time.

And, as another fraction of pressure in her chest eased, Hawke asked, "I take it you have a plan?"

Bethany nodded in response. "There's a small cove about halfway between Highever and Soldier's Peak, the Warden outpost where Avernus is. Isabela will drop the four of us there and take the others on to Llomerryn. Loghain will meet us and escort us to Soldier's Peak."

"And Loghain knows we're coming?"

"He's just waiting for word from me. As soon as you decide, I'll send a pigeon with a message."

"You can explain the pigeon later," Hawke said, shaking her head slightly. "You trust Avernus? Even with blood magic?"

"Yes and no," Bethany admitted. "But we won't leave Anders there alone. They will be both supervised. By myself and Loghain and a few others. And you and Fenris, if you'd like."

Hawke mulled that idea around. If the Wardens were offering protection, even if temporary, she would not turn her nose up at it. And if everything Bethany had said was true, Fenris was willing to do this. And it wasn't like she could just dump Anders on the Warden's doorstep let alone a blood mage's doorstep. Not after everything else. No, she would stay and see things through, if she could. Decided then, she nodded.

"Okay," Hawke said. "If there is a chance this will save Anders's life, if there is a chance I can keep what's left of my family alive…" She stopped and blinked rapidly, surprised by the sudden tears in her eyes, tears that hadn't come at all since they'd left Kirkwall in flames. With a quick shake of her head, she continued, "I trust you, Beth." She glanced down at their still joined hands, remembering Bethany's story about Loghain, and looked back up, meeting her sister's eyes. "And I will be proud to fight at your side."

"Fenris said you would say that," Bethany laughed and pulled Hawke into a tight hug.


End file.
